Klassy With A "K"

My brother-in-law, Mr. Auto, invited my husband to attend some sort of drag-race-car-man-thing for Saturday afternoon, so my sister and I jumped at the chance to have our own afternoon soiree. I guess we figured if there was "race" and "car" and "drag" all in the same sentence, it would probably involve beer, belching, sweat, oiled up Jaeger girls, and loud manmobiles. Maybe even some grunting and chest banging. We opted for shopping, gossiping, and spending money. We have class.

We all met up at a mall near the racetrack, and the boys drove off in Mr. Auto's pimped out '87 Firebird around 10:30 in the morning. Let me pause here to tell you that the car is a Klassy Shade of Primer Gray. Don't make fun, people. Primer Gray is the new Black. Oh, and the passenger side does not have an exterior door handle. Sleek. I think my sister needs to keep a close eye on that one because that car is a TOTAL babe magnet. I can envision Jaeger Girls writhing all over the hood as Whitesnake booms from the sweet sound system. (For all you youngin's: go here)

I could hardly restrain myself from writing "MARRIED!!!!!" on Adam's forehead. I felt the jealousy surging, even after Adam spent the entire 1 hour drive that morning chewing off his fingernails while flying down the interstate. Nothing gets me more excited than watching him feed off his hands. I wonder what the calorie content of hangnails would be?

Wowsers...got a little off track there.

So Sis and I head into the mall, and I quickly determine that out of the 8-10 malls in the entire city we have just chosen the second most shady one in the entire valley. Second only to the mall with the metal detectors. This place was rockin' the outlets! Every store was either close-out or deep discounted, except for the Victoria's Secret where the yoga pants where $65. We window shopped for a little while, bought some soaps at bath&body, scoffed at the $65 yoga pants, and then decided to browse the pet store.

As we approach the pet store, Sis stops dead in her tracks staring straight ahead. I followed her gaze to a security guard on one of these:






I'm laughing to myself because the mall hasn't had a fresh coat of paint since Reagan was president, but they can afford security guards on motorized Segways. I looked over at Sis who was clearly not laughing, but was frozen in state of shock. I realized then that I had missed it: Segway Security Boy was on his Playskool walkie talkie summoning police to assist in removal of a Drooling Drunk who was nearly passed out- on a bench - in the middle of Klass Act Mall.

And there he sat. Drool pouring from his mouth, running down the front of his shirt, as he slowly slumped over on the bench. He then proceeded to vomit all over himself as his eyes started to roll into the back of his head. Sis and I scurried into the pet store where we watched from the pet store window while playing with some small furry rodents situated near the entrance. I can't resist small and furry, and she can't resist a visual train wreck.

As we were elbow deep in hamsters, the cops finally arrived where they pulled Drooling Drunk to his feet who promptly fell flat on his face. I guess the local police aren't trained in Face Plant Prevention. But who am I to judge?

Drooling Drunk was hauled out to the curb and removed by police and EMTs. I went to Starbucks for a Skinny Tall Latte.

I had decided we had enough of Klass Act Mall, so we made a quick stop to the bathroom before heading out.

The horrors never cease: There was a sharps container attached to the wall in the women's bathroom. As in a safety box to deposit used needles.

As in this:




WHY would you need that in a mall bathroom?! Has the meth problem gotten THAT bad?

I hurried to the car to depart the Mall from Hell, and as I was starting the car I looked to my left and saw that the van parked next to us was riddled with bullet holes.

I'm serious. If I had thought about this post as I was fleeing for my life I would have taken some photos.

Sis and I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon painting pottery as a local pottery shop while we waited for the boys to catch up with us. We ended the evening at a lovely pizza bistro where I proceeded to make Sis laugh so hard she Peed Her Pants. But I'll save that for another post. :)