Saturday, February 21, 2009

Klassy With A "K"

My brother-in-law, Mr. Auto, invited my husband to attend some sort of drag-race-car-man-thing for Saturday afternoon, so my sister and I jumped at the chance to have our own afternoon soiree. I guess we figured if there was "race" and "car" and "drag" all in the same sentence, it would probably involve beer, belching, sweat, oiled up Jaeger girls, and loud manmobiles. Maybe even some grunting and chest banging. We opted for shopping, gossiping, and spending money. We have class.

We all met up at a mall near the racetrack, and the boys drove off in Mr. Auto's pimped out '87 Firebird around 10:30 in the morning. Let me pause here to tell you that the car is a Klassy Shade of Primer Gray. Don't make fun, people. Primer Gray is the new Black. Oh, and the passenger side does not have an exterior door handle. Sleek. I think my sister needs to keep a close eye on that one because that car is a TOTAL babe magnet. I can envision Jaeger Girls writhing all over the hood as Whitesnake booms from the sweet sound system. (For all you youngin's: go here)

I could hardly restrain myself from writing "MARRIED!!!!!" on Adam's forehead. I felt the jealousy surging, even after Adam spent the entire 1 hour drive that morning chewing off his fingernails while flying down the interstate. Nothing gets me more excited than watching him feed off his hands. I wonder what the calorie content of hangnails would be? a little off track there.

So Sis and I head into the mall, and I quickly determine that out of the 8-10 malls in the entire city we have just chosen the second most shady one in the entire valley. Second only to the mall with the metal detectors. This place was rockin' the outlets! Every store was either close-out or deep discounted, except for the Victoria's Secret where the yoga pants where $65. We window shopped for a little while, bought some soaps at bath&body, scoffed at the $65 yoga pants, and then decided to browse the pet store.

As we approach the pet store, Sis stops dead in her tracks staring straight ahead. I followed her gaze to a security guard on one of these:

I'm laughing to myself because the mall hasn't had a fresh coat of paint since Reagan was president, but they can afford security guards on motorized Segways. I looked over at Sis who was clearly not laughing, but was frozen in state of shock. I realized then that I had missed it: Segway Security Boy was on his Playskool walkie talkie summoning police to assist in removal of a Drooling Drunk who was nearly passed out- on a bench - in the middle of Klass Act Mall.

And there he sat. Drool pouring from his mouth, running down the front of his shirt, as he slowly slumped over on the bench. He then proceeded to vomit all over himself as his eyes started to roll into the back of his head. Sis and I scurried into the pet store where we watched from the pet store window while playing with some small furry rodents situated near the entrance. I can't resist small and furry, and she can't resist a visual train wreck.

As we were elbow deep in hamsters, the cops finally arrived where they pulled Drooling Drunk to his feet who promptly fell flat on his face. I guess the local police aren't trained in Face Plant Prevention. But who am I to judge?

Drooling Drunk was hauled out to the curb and removed by police and EMTs. I went to Starbucks for a Skinny Tall Latte.

I had decided we had enough of Klass Act Mall, so we made a quick stop to the bathroom before heading out.

The horrors never cease: There was a sharps container attached to the wall in the women's bathroom. As in a safety box to deposit used needles.

As in this:

WHY would you need that in a mall bathroom?! Has the meth problem gotten THAT bad?

I hurried to the car to depart the Mall from Hell, and as I was starting the car I looked to my left and saw that the van parked next to us was riddled with bullet holes.

I'm serious. If I had thought about this post as I was fleeing for my life I would have taken some photos.

Sis and I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon painting pottery as a local pottery shop while we waited for the boys to catch up with us. We ended the evening at a lovely pizza bistro where I proceeded to make Sis laugh so hard she Peed Her Pants. But I'll save that for another post. :)

Friday, February 20, 2009

Chiropractic Crap

After 3 months of severe lower back pain, my sister talked me into paying a visit to her chiropractor. She declared him to be a god of the spine, a miracle worker, and a genius. He's not too hard on the eyes, either, so I was there faster than you can say "subluxation".

I have to say I am really glad I started going. I've just returned from my third visit and already I'm feeling some relief from my back pain. However, I apparently slept like a contorted fool last night because I woke up with a stiff neck and the inability to turn my head. Lucky for me, Dr. Sexy helped me there too. I really like the feel of his phalanges on my head.

Anyway, I digress.

At my first visit, I was required to fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms and medical history. To summarize, I have a lot of back pain, headaches, sciatica, and constipation (Oh yeah, constipation baby). On the final page of the history forms was a human body outline where I was supposed to circle my specific location(s) of pain. Ten seconds later, my outline looked like a 3 year old had drawn spirals all over the torso, and I was feeling pretty crappy about my pain levels.

It didn't help that I had spent that last four days pretty much writhing in pain, and rolling around on the floor like a seizing bull dog.

So after I submitted my forms, we moved on to a series of X-rays. Now I don't know if it's my medical background, or just general insecurities, but I am REALLY uncomfortable playing the part of the "patient". Dr. Sexy stepped out of the room while I could disrobe and doll myself up in that stupid hospital gown they give you. I caught myself hiding my bra under my jeans, as if he has never seen a racer-back target special bra before. I decided to keep my socks on and then realized that I looked like a complete doof in red socks up to my calf with little snowmen all over them.

So there I stand, braless and in a johnny, complete with red snowman socks. I could hardly restrain myself from taking a photograph and posting it on

It didn't take long to get the xrays back, and let me tell you, they are horrifying. My spine is twisted very much like a corkscrew and my right hip is 9mm higher than my left. But that's not the worst part....

My colon takes up my entire pelvic space. It looks like 6 Chipotle burritos end-to-end and scrunched into an intestine. No joke, and I just vomited in my mouth. After looking at my xray, and reading the part where I checked off "constipation" I'm pretty sure Dr. Sexy muttered to himself "Uh....Duh." I'm also pretty sure he secretly refers to me as "That Large Colon Girl". It's okay, Dr. Dreamy. I still love you.

I couldn't tell you a single thing he said to me while going over my xrays (something about it looks bad, but we can fix it) because I was mortified by my colon.

So, tonight I have traded my usual cup of tea for a very large glass of water complete with a soluble fiber supplement.

Benefiber you are my hero.

I found this tonight and it made me laugh out loud:

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Technical Errors and Pictures of the Kitchen

***UPDATED 4/30/09 with more kitchen pictures for the Tour of Homes***

Ok I figured out how to post pictures in order with text between! Woo hoo!

Here's the kitchen:

As promised, here's the picture of our finished kitchen! Love it! Paint is by Behr (both shades), and the stools were on clearance from BB&B (for some reason they look really tall in these pics.) The rug is from Home Depot. Table and chairs from JC Penney. Most of the decor came from BB&B, Hobby Lobby, Michael's, or little shops from our travels.

On a silly note, I came across a photo of my hubby and our dog, Sherman, that was taken a couple of years ago...I just love this picture. Doesn't Sherman look SO happy?

I'm Back!

I can't believe it's been over a month (a month!) since I posted last. Things have been absolutely crazy but I want you to know that I am BACK and I will be posting more frequently.

I promise :)

I want you all to know that I have stuck to my new year's plan of more writing (I've been writing for myself, a potential book) and have started painting. I'm starting out small with an 11X14 canvas, so we'll see how it turns out. I am just so excited to be doing something creative once again.

This post will be a all over the place but I want to share some of my cooking with you as well. On the easy side, I tried out Poppy Seed Chick from Kelly's blog. It was SO good. Just go to her site and search for it! I made it after painting my living room hallway, AND going to yoga so I was pretty tired but still was able to cook a delicious dinner. And, FYI I can't stand poppy seeds usually but this was A.mazing.

Tonight, Adam and I are cooking Parmesan Tilapia. I love seafood! After moving from Vermont to Arizona I was pretty upset to discover that the seafood selection in the desert is pretty scarce. Go figure. BUT we have found a pretty decent selection of fresh seafood at a local market that has really good tilapia. I'll be making it with Garlic Mashed Potatoes. MMMM Wonderful. I'll post the recipe tomorrow.

We finally finished the painting in the kitchen! I say finally because we had been working on it off and on since last summer. So, 6 months and two paint color changes later (long story people) it's finally done! And let me tell you, I LOVE cooking in my newly decorated kitchen! I'm having a hard time posting photos IN my entry so I will post it a little later...does anyone know how to post a picture in the middle of your text? It keeps placing the photo at the very top of my entry and I want it down here. I'm such a newbie. :)