Chiropractic Crap

After 3 months of severe lower back pain, my sister talked me into paying a visit to her chiropractor. She declared him to be a god of the spine, a miracle worker, and a genius. He's not too hard on the eyes, either, so I was there faster than you can say "subluxation".

I have to say I am really glad I started going. I've just returned from my third visit and already I'm feeling some relief from my back pain. However, I apparently slept like a contorted fool last night because I woke up with a stiff neck and the inability to turn my head. Lucky for me, Dr. Sexy helped me there too. I really like the feel of his phalanges on my head.

Anyway, I digress.

At my first visit, I was required to fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms and medical history. To summarize, I have a lot of back pain, headaches, sciatica, and constipation (Oh yeah, constipation baby). On the final page of the history forms was a human body outline where I was supposed to circle my specific location(s) of pain. Ten seconds later, my outline looked like a 3 year old had drawn spirals all over the torso, and I was feeling pretty crappy about my pain levels.

It didn't help that I had spent that last four days pretty much writhing in pain, and rolling around on the floor like a seizing bull dog.

So after I submitted my forms, we moved on to a series of X-rays. Now I don't know if it's my medical background, or just general insecurities, but I am REALLY uncomfortable playing the part of the "patient". Dr. Sexy stepped out of the room while I could disrobe and doll myself up in that stupid hospital gown they give you. I caught myself hiding my bra under my jeans, as if he has never seen a racer-back target special bra before. I decided to keep my socks on and then realized that I looked like a complete doof in red socks up to my calf with little snowmen all over them.

So there I stand, braless and in a johnny, complete with red snowman socks. I could hardly restrain myself from taking a photograph and posting it on Hotornot.com

It didn't take long to get the xrays back, and let me tell you, they are horrifying. My spine is twisted very much like a corkscrew and my right hip is 9mm higher than my left. But that's not the worst part....

My colon takes up my entire pelvic space. It looks like 6 Chipotle burritos end-to-end and scrunched into an intestine. No joke, and I just vomited in my mouth. After looking at my xray, and reading the part where I checked off "constipation" I'm pretty sure Dr. Sexy muttered to himself "Uh....Duh." I'm also pretty sure he secretly refers to me as "That Large Colon Girl". It's okay, Dr. Dreamy. I still love you.

I couldn't tell you a single thing he said to me while going over my xrays (something about it looks bad, but we can fix it) because I was mortified by my colon.

So, tonight I have traded my usual cup of tea for a very large glass of water complete with a soluble fiber supplement.

Benefiber you are my hero.







I found this tonight and it made me laugh out loud: