Saturday, June 27, 2009


I haven't felt myself this week, which basically translates to me being nuttier than usual paired with actions that further Adam's theory that I am missing some marbles.

I have felt like my face was going to split open all week, so I took a benadryl thinking it would help with my sinuses. It did help a bit, but it turned me into a cracked-out whack-case that most people mistook as a drug addict. I really wanted to just curl up in bed and hibernate for the next six weeks, but there were errands to run so I put on a brave face, over-sized sunglasses, pulled my greasy hair back, and ventured out into public spaces.

First off, the "slicked back pony-tail" doesn't look good on me. At all. I so desperately wish I could be one of those girls who can slop their hair into a pile with no make-up and look completely hot. But, alas, I am not one of those girls. Instead, I look like a tweaker who just barely rolled out of the campsite complete with a hint of a double chin.

I have no idea what a "hint of a double chin" has to do with being on a campsite, but I had to throw it in somewhere in hopes that I would get some pity.


The sunglasses managed to cover my dark under eye circles and puffy upper eyelids. It's a genuine gift that large sunglasses are "fashionable" right least something is working in my favor. I can leave the house looking like a fly and still be considered "fashion forward". Or something.

Adam and I toddled over to Wal-greens to print some digital pictures. My mother-in-law's birthday is this week and I figured she would want nothing more than a framed print of one of MY photos. What a gift! I thought about autographing it and inscribing it with "thanks for being my biggest fan", but decided that was a bit much. I would like to charge her for it and make a small profit on my sweet skills, but thought that would be a little inappropriate as well. Charging the mother-in-law for her own birthday gift is about as classy as me walking up to a Victoria's Secret employee and saying "Y'all got any underbreeches to cover up these thar fat dimples on mah butt?!?!"


So while I wish I was the female version of Ansel Adams, I'll just keep dreaming away. Once I went back to Wal-greens to pick up the pictures, the photo counter employee complimented me on the print by saying it's "one of the best pictures I have ever seen come through here" and said she wished she "could have one of the prints for herself."

I giggled with glee and nearly came over the counter to plant a sloppy one on her cheek. She will never know what she did for my ego.

Although, she probably was just complimenting me because she was scared of the greasy pony-tail that was taking on a life of it's own.

After wal-greens, I was on a photography high. That, mixed with benadryl makes for complete lunacy. Adam and I decided to stop off for a gourmet dinner at "Rubio's". That boy really knows how to treat a lady. Nothing says romance like a $5 burrito plate complete with salsa in a little plastic cup. I still can't believe I managed to get him down the aisle!

After paying for our food, I took my paper cup in slow motion and stumbled over to the fountain soda machine. I suddenly became aware of everyone noticing the oily haired stumbling freak show and quickly tried to re-gain some sort of balance as I approached the ice dispenser. I raised my cup and filled it with ice, then sloooowly turned to try to dispense some ice tea. Suddenly feeling like I was about to fall over from the room spinning, I grabbed onto the counter to regain some stability. The guy behind me gave me a look and I could tell he was getting irritated with me coming between him and an icy coke. I quickly darted over to the trash can and grabbed onto the side to keep from falling over. I think I feigned wiping something off my arm and threw a napkin in the trash. I turned, wobbling, to see a family of four labeling me as 'destitute'.

I ate my burrito in slow-mo and spilled half a container of salsa (verde) on my gym shorts. If you ever are out of energy to invest in looking half-way human, I find that gym shorts can be worn to make people think you look hideous due to a strenuous 3 hour work-out. Just fake fitness, people.

I figured all dignity was out the window, so Adam and I sauntered over to BevMo for the 5 Cent Wine Sale. If I'm going to sport a greasy 'do and green salsa stained gym shorts, I'm going to do it right and pass myself off as a wino. The cashier carded me upon check out at which point I stared at him - with glazed benadryl eyes, and slurred "arrrrree you SEER-ious?" I guess he was, since his only response was to NOT respond and just look at me blankly as he labeled me "destitute."

I wobbled out to the car , dug up my license, wobbled back in, shoved it in his face and left with my 2 bottles of wine and 1 bottle of celebratory champagne.

Some things should just be celebrated.

No comments: