Cue The Circus Tunes

I've been absent from the blog again. I'm really good at this neglect thing and I'm thinking that it may be a sign that I shouldn't reproduce for two reasons. The first being that the children probably wouldn't survive because I'm good at neglecting things (I walk by the flower department of a grocery store and the roses immediately turn brown...it's actually quite impressive), and the second reason being that I honestly don't think I should continue these genes. I have some pretty strange phobias, I lack rationality at times, and innate objects sometimes scare the crap out of me.

When I was a kid I had close to 100 dolls. Dolls of every variety from stuffed rabbits, porcelain, QP dolls, Cabbage patch kids, to Ice Cream Dolls and lots of basic Baby Dolls. I had a wall of Dolls that hereby shall be called "The Wall of Dolls".

The Wall of Dolls is the reason I learned how to sleep completely under the covers with no ventilation whatsoever. I'm fairly certain the increased levels of CO2 have caused some sort of permanent brain damage...or maybe it's just the weird genes.

These dolls would stare me down all during the night. It didn't help matters that the shelves where built into the wall across the room from the foot of my bed in perfect position for me to stare at The Wall of Dolls and for them to stare back. It made for a few really awesome sleepless nights.

Perhaps the most prominent doll would be a clown doll that originally belonged to my sister. If you took one look at this creepy little bastard you would fully understand why he was left behind when she moved out. I can't imagine what parent would buy him in the first place (oh wait, my mom did - that 'splains it). He had a stuffed body with stuffed arms and legs and a hard plastic painted face. His hair was stop-light red and stuck out in all directions that perfectly complimented the crazed look in his eye. I tried to google search for this doll and was unable to turn up anything that could remotely compare to the demented level of fear that this doll could conjure up in a child's brain. This is as close as I could find.

As a delightful bonus, my room was sprinkled with the sand-bag clowns that were so popular in the early 90's at Hallmark. Eample A:

I would have much preferred 500 sandbag clown dolls over the Hellish figure that sat high atop The Wall of Dolls. There he sat, each night, staring and waiting. All rationality tells me I am wrong, but I am certain he came to life after 9:30 and stood at the foot of my bed casting a demonic gaze my way. I'm also fairly certain he likes to snack on small children with a side order of infant baby.

One night in the middle of summer, I could no longer sleep cocooned under the blankets. I threw my covers back, grabbed a chair out of the guest room and climbed up to the top shelf of The Wall of Dolls. Grabbing the clown by the arm, I yanked him from his lair and threw him so hard into the closet he may have sustained some blunt force trauma to the head.

The next day I dug him back out of the closet and returned him high atop his evil little perch. This cycle went on nightly for probably 4 years. For some reason, my mom was pretty fond of that clown and would have belted me if she knew I threw him, nightly, into the depths of my clothes closet.

Some things are better left unknown.

Besides, it's not easy growing up in a room full of glass, button, and painted eyes. To this day I refuse to have anything hanging on my wall that has a face. The Mona Lisa gives me the creeps. It's almost phobic.

Now, if I ever saw a clown version of the Mona Lisa, I'd probably freak out screaming.

I have some good genes for that, t00.

Benadryl

I haven't felt myself this week, which basically translates to me being nuttier than usual paired with actions that further Adam's theory that I am missing some marbles.

I have felt like my face was going to split open all week, so I took a benadryl thinking it would help with my sinuses. It did help a bit, but it turned me into a cracked-out whack-case that most people mistook as a drug addict. I really wanted to just curl up in bed and hibernate for the next six weeks, but there were errands to run so I put on a brave face, over-sized sunglasses, pulled my greasy hair back, and ventured out into public spaces.

First off, the "slicked back pony-tail" doesn't look good on me. At all. I so desperately wish I could be one of those girls who can slop their hair into a pile with no make-up and look completely hot. But, alas, I am not one of those girls. Instead, I look like a tweaker who just barely rolled out of the campsite complete with a hint of a double chin.

I have no idea what a "hint of a double chin" has to do with being on a campsite, but I had to throw it in somewhere in hopes that I would get some pity.

Yee-haw.

The sunglasses managed to cover my dark under eye circles and puffy upper eyelids. It's a genuine gift that large sunglasses are "fashionable" right now...at least something is working in my favor. I can leave the house looking like a fly and still be considered "fashion forward". Or something.

Adam and I toddled over to Wal-greens to print some digital pictures. My mother-in-law's birthday is this week and I figured she would want nothing more than a framed print of one of MY photos. What a gift! I thought about autographing it and inscribing it with "thanks for being my biggest fan", but decided that was a bit much. I would like to charge her for it and make a small profit on my sweet skills, but thought that would be a little inappropriate as well. Charging the mother-in-law for her own birthday gift is about as classy as me walking up to a Victoria's Secret employee and saying "Y'all got any underbreeches to cover up these thar fat dimples on mah butt?!?!"

Yeah.

So while I wish I was the female version of Ansel Adams, I'll just keep dreaming away. Once I went back to Wal-greens to pick up the pictures, the photo counter employee complimented me on the print by saying it's "one of the best pictures I have ever seen come through here" and said she wished she "could have one of the prints for herself."

I giggled with glee and nearly came over the counter to plant a sloppy one on her cheek. She will never know what she did for my ego.

Although, she probably was just complimenting me because she was scared of the greasy pony-tail that was taking on a life of it's own.

After wal-greens, I was on a photography high. That, mixed with benadryl makes for complete lunacy. Adam and I decided to stop off for a gourmet dinner at "Rubio's". That boy really knows how to treat a lady. Nothing says romance like a $5 burrito plate complete with salsa in a little plastic cup. I still can't believe I managed to get him down the aisle!

After paying for our food, I took my paper cup in slow motion and stumbled over to the fountain soda machine. I suddenly became aware of everyone noticing the oily haired stumbling freak show and quickly tried to re-gain some sort of balance as I approached the ice dispenser. I raised my cup and filled it with ice, then sloooowly turned to try to dispense some ice tea. Suddenly feeling like I was about to fall over from the room spinning, I grabbed onto the counter to regain some stability. The guy behind me gave me a look and I could tell he was getting irritated with me coming between him and an icy coke. I quickly darted over to the trash can and grabbed onto the side to keep from falling over. I think I feigned wiping something off my arm and threw a napkin in the trash. I turned, wobbling, to see a family of four labeling me as 'destitute'.

I ate my burrito in slow-mo and spilled half a container of salsa (verde) on my gym shorts. If you ever are out of energy to invest in looking half-way human, I find that gym shorts can be worn to make people think you look hideous due to a strenuous 3 hour work-out. Just fake fitness, people.

I figured all dignity was out the window, so Adam and I sauntered over to BevMo for the 5 Cent Wine Sale. If I'm going to sport a greasy 'do and green salsa stained gym shorts, I'm going to do it right and pass myself off as a wino. The cashier carded me upon check out at which point I stared at him - with glazed benadryl eyes, and slurred "arrrrree you SEER-ious?" I guess he was, since his only response was to NOT respond and just look at me blankly as he labeled me "destitute."

I wobbled out to the car , dug up my license, wobbled back in, shoved it in his face and left with my 2 bottles of wine and 1 bottle of celebratory champagne.

Some things should just be celebrated.

Since Sliced Bread

At the age of 10 my mom decided that we would be leaving our Colorado residence behind and move across country to Vermont. The reasons are way too long to write here but involve nothing short of a messy messy divorce and the fact that she overheats if it's warmer than 43 degrees outside.

Just keeping it real, folks.

Anyhoo...

My mother is also a pack rat and has kept every school paper, drawing, note, nick knack, tangible item that any of us 3 kids, family member, or stranger could have conceivably deposited within our residence. If you are ever in need of $0.15 off a jar of Smuckers, mom might be able to drudge up a coupon for you, although it probably expired in 1985. Plus, it would take her two years to find it, so it's probably not worth the trouble. Although, the debacle that would surely ensue has the potential to be quite entertaining.

With that said, it took us nearly 2 years to pack up all of her crap mementos and belongings to move the 1925.92 miles across the country to the great white north. Yes. Two years. Two years of "tackling one room at a time" as she put it. If she had just hired movers to pack and move us, it probably would have taken two full size 18-wheelers. So, she sorted her way down to the volume acceptable for a family of 18.

Once we finally had everything in some semblance of order, mom had the Bekins truck packed with belongings and sent it on its 2K mile journey. Mom and I stayed behind packing the rest of our property that would fit into suitcases and be hauled by plane to the final destination. Of course, nothing goes as planned and the next two days were spent in a frantic frenzy of "flinging" unnecessary items in the trash and running in circles finalizing our plans.

Did I mention it was the middle of winter and I slipped 3 times hauling garbage to the trash bins?

Mom doesn't work too well with deadlines, so has the final 24 hour countdown to our departure started ticking away, so did her sanity and patience. We both (not my choice) stayed up the entire night before our flight freaking out over how much stuff was still left that didn't fit either a) on the moving truck b)in suitcases c) up our butts. In a state of delirium, a large quantity of "items" were left at our residence as mom ran out of both time and space to take care of everything. We frantically hustled to the curb with our bulging suitcases as our airport shuttle picked us up for the cross-country journey that is Denver to Denver Int'l Airport. We left the inside of our house looking like downtown Beirut and skipped into the sunset snow.

Almost.

After sinking into a coma of exhaustion on the bus, mom woke me up upon our arrival to the airport. We unloaded our 17 suitcases at the curb and spent the next five hours checking luggage. There may have been a Bengal tiger or a small golf cart inside one bag for all I know. These things were bulging at the seams and I am so thankful one didn't actually burst because I would have died of embarrassment on the spot. After successfully ensuring that our plane would be flying on the heavy side, we ventured over to the security checkpoint.

All I can say about this next part is that we are both incredibly lucky that this was several years before 9/11.

We placed our jackets and carry-ons on the conveyor belt for x-ray and walked successfully through the metal detectors.

That carry-on, however, wasn't so lucky. Mom had managed to pack a 15" serrated bread knife into her carry on and sent the sucker right through the security screening.

I will say that again: My mom packed a fifteen inch long serrated bread knife in her carry on bag and sent it through the x-ray machine for all TSA security staff to view.

And no one said a thing about it.

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that my mom thought she would need a serrated bread knife immediately upon our arrival to Vermont, or the fact that no one in the airport caught it.

For all I know, she had enough metal in her bag to construct a Winchester 1200 Defender.

We ventured to our gate and successfully boarded the plane. Much of that morning was a complete blur since I was running on zero sleep, but I will never forget her face once she realized that she had packed a bread knife and sailed through DIA Security like a pro.

If you ever find yourself on a flight sitting next to my mom and you need some bread sliced, she may be able to help a friend out.

Anyone hungry for sandwiches?

Neglect

I got a phone call yesterday. One ring and then the caller hung up. A few minutes later, they called back. This time, they let it ring twice and then hung up. I pondered briefly who it might be and then went back to making mental lists of what needed to be done that day.

For the record, my list was something like this:

-dishes
-laundry, whites
-mop floors
-return that awful swimsuit to TJ Maxx...the one that makes me look spare-tire(ish)

Also, for the record, I did none of those things and chose to play pathwords on facebook and browse the MAC Cosmetics website instead. Has anyone been able to pull off their "deep blue green" pigment eye color? If you have, I'd love to see pictures. I'm thinking about taking that leap but would probably end up looking like a baby doll whore, and am not sure I want to rock that look at this point in my life.

Anyway...

After the 40th round of pathwords, my phone rang yet again and this time, I was ready. I hit the answer key faster than you can say "prank call" and shouted like a grumpy grandmother into the phone with: "HELLO!?!?!?!"

It was my blog, Prudence, calling, and she was not happy that I had been neglecting her lately. She said, in between sobs, that she was feeling neglected and alone. It has been a month since her last update and she was feeling inadequate. I told to her to go soak her head, that I was busy with pathwords, and that maybe we could talk tomorrow.

I then hung up on Prudence before she had the chance to hang up on me, once more, like the nasty little tart that she is. Prudence, you really need to lighten up.

I may have been neglecting the blog lately, but one thing that has NOT been neglected is my calorie consumption. After discovering a 3 ingredient recipe for Peanut Butter Cookies, I made six batches within a 4 day period and have basically turned myself into a walking jar of Skippy. I decided it was finally time to lay off the P.B. after my last shift at work, during which a nurse was bathing her patient while wearing an N-95 mask, and blurted out "does anyone else smell peanuts?"

You'd think I would wake up and face reality, but instead I baked a red velvet cake the next day.

Whatever. At least it was peanut free.

I spent the first two hours of today laying on the couch like a comatose obese grizzly bear. I knew I should be at the gym burning off some calories, but instead practiced procrastinating. If I could get paid for my procrastination skills, I would seriously be a millionaire. While finding any means necessary to put-off my work-out, I was texting back and forth with my sister (thumbs need exercising too). The dog then proceeded to crawl behind the couch and throw up his entire gastric contents onto the carpet.

What bliss.

There is nothing quite like spending your day off cleaning dog puke from your carpet while the dog prances around like he just deposited a gift in your face.

After Vomitus Cleanius 2009, I made my way to the gym where I managed to crank out 2.62 miles on the treadmill without collapsing and seizing on the floor.

Small victories.


I have no idea where I am going with this other than to say that maybe by blogging skills (if there ever were any) have likely gone out the window in the last thirty days.

Does peanut butter cause loss of IQ points?

Shredding It (Part 2)

As promised, Adam joined me for day 2 of the 30 Day Shred work-out. I could barely contain my glee since he did nothing but mock me and prolong my suffering during day 1. As I gasped and panted away - and could barely keep up - he was there to the rescue making sure to pause the DVD player at any moment that I lagged behind.

Thanks to Adam, I didn't miss a single jumping jack, push up, or crunch. And for each time that he hit "pause" I added another tablespoon of black olive puree to his dinners (olives are his enemy...simliar to my overwhelming hatred of spiders).

So on to day 2. He attempted to back out because I only have one set of weights. Oh no. No no no. I grabbed two family sized soup cans to use as weights for myself, and surrendered the hideous free weights for Adam's use.

He was not getting out of this.

After the warm-ups initial torture, we dropped to the floor for the first set of push ups. I'll admit he hung in there and did pretty well. After 3 more minutes of weights we collapsed into the push up pose for round two. At that point, sweat was beading on his forehead and he screeched:

"MORE PUSHUPS!?!?!"

Oh yes, my love. And we are only on minute 7 of this evil work out plan. Jillian, I hate you. Adam, I told you so.

As the minutes wore on, I could see him lagging a little behind and at one point he completely stopped to wipe his forehead (I think at the same point in the video when I was crying for water on day 1). I was cruising through Jillian's "butt kicks" as Adam was hunched over looking like he was 2 seconds away from collapsing. Or crying. Maybe both.

Me: Do you want me to pause the video? [insert snarky attitude here]
Jillian on DVD: There is NO reason to modify this move! Keep it up! I have 400lb people who do this move!
Adam: :GASP:Very funny::GASP GASP::
Me: Well, just let me know if you want me to pause it. I'd be happy to pause it if you need water or a break. Or a good cry. haha.
Adam: ::wheeze::Shut your face.::GASP PANT::

I'm loving this. What goes around comes around. I'm feeling very satisfied today.

And sore.

Shredding It

Last week I was browsing Amazon and came across a work-out DVD called "The 30 Day Shred". It features three levels - beginner, intermediate, and advanced. Each workout is 20 minutes. I thought it would be a great idea for when I can't get to the gym don't want to go to the gym. Twenty Minutes. Really easy, I thought.



WRONG.



The DVD features Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser, and her 2 body twin minions who collectively weigh 140lbs. I pretty much hate all three of them. My arms hurt just typing this and I'm not even done with day 2. Jillian may seem nice enough, but when your face is so red -30 seconds into the work-out - it matches the Red Velvet Cake you'd rather be eating, you know you have problems. As Jillian started screaming "You can do it! Now is not the time to quit!!" I started crying for water and let a few four-letter words fly in her skinny-arsed direction. I didn't know it was possible to sweat so hard in a twenty minute time frame. I think I may have had a small anxiety asthma attack somewhere between the first set of curls and the jumping jacks she puts you through.



Jillian on TV: Keep it up!!!! Only four more to go and you are NOT quitting now!

Me: SHUT UP You skinny tart! WATER! ADAM! I NEED WATER IN HERE!

(for the record, Adam laughed at me and said I could have water when I finished the set. Jerk. Who's side is he on anyway?!)

Jillian on TV: Just think how great you will feel when you have completed this work-out series!

Me: HOW :::PANT::: IS ::PANT:: SHE EVEN ::PANT:: Carrying ::pant pant:: on a con ::PANT PANT:: versation right now?!?!:GASP PANT PANT:: WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY TRACHEA IS ON FIRE GIVEMEWATERRIGHTNOW!!!



I collapsed on all fours at that point. I think I was five minutes in. Adam made sure to pause the work-out...I wouldn't want to skip a single second, now would I?



To be completely honest, I got a little scared during the warm-ups. THE WARM-UPS. When a warm up simulates competitive swimming, you know you're in trouble.

The box cover declares that you can lose up to 20 pounds in 30 days. For the amount of misery I am in today, I think it should be 40lbs. Or I should have a written guarantee that Jillian herself will come out and train me if I don't lose the full 20. I may die first, though. I'm not sure yet.

After I completed the 20 minutes, I was crawling to the shower (if you think I am exaggerating, let me assure you that I am NOT) and trembling when Adam said "I think I'll do that with you tomorrow!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA ::BREATHES:: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Misery loves company. I can't wait for this.

She Sparkles

For those of you that don't know, I was homeschooled from 1st grade through 8th grade. I attended a typical suburban kindergarten in Colorado before my mom decided to pull me out and teach me at home for the next 8 years. We moved to Vermont during 6th grade where I was homeschool for the next two years until I attended "normal" high school from 9th through graduation.

I could probably write an entire book on homeschooling and my opinions on it. For now, I will just say that my past has definitely molded me into who I am now. The decision to homeschool may not be an easy one, and it's definitely not for everyone.

And no, I never wore a denim jumper.

But I was sportin' some sweet hair that could also double as a scarf:

Last week, Adam and I went to a MLB game with a couple of friends. As I walked into the stadium I had a sudden flashback to my first day of public high school. Certain memories will come back to me with sudden urgency that serve to remind me where I have been, and how far I have come.

Having no real exposure to the typical American middle schooler, I was not prepared for what was ahead on that hot August morning back in 199_. Instead, I had spent the summer prior to my freshman year in blissful ignorance while everyone else hung out with friends they had made in elementary and shopped for the coolest back-to-school clothes. So, for starters, my mom picked out my wardrobe for the day. I'm lying. She picked it out for the entire year, but the first day of school is always the most important, and since it was basically my first day EVER let's multiply that level of fashion importance by a factor of 10.

She couldn't have picked anything worse if she tried. I nervously walked into high school wearing a bright-as-sun yellow top with black denim (I just vomited in my mouth again) cut-off shorts, yellow socks, and black keds.

It honestly elevates my heart rate just to put those facts in black and white. Or should I say black and yellow?

As if it couldn't get much worse, she insisted I wear a baseball cap that was completely covered in purple sequins. Apparently the atrocity still exists because I googled it and found an exact replica for your viewing pleasure:

They are still available for $10 if anyone wants one. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?

Once I crossed the threshold, I made a beeline for the bathroom and tore the glittery monster off my head. Seriously, it had the capacity to pass all moral bounds and it was sitting on my cranium. I'd rather wear a marquee that flashed "HERE COMES THE NEW GIRL" in blinking lights.





As I shoved Sparkles into my bag, I glanced up at the bathroom mirror and saw the most horrific hat hair one could imagine. Seriously. There was NO fixing it, so I was left to determine which would be worse? The hat hair, or the hat. Just then a group of girls my age came prancing into the bathroom, took one look at my hat hair and my hat, made a 180, and pranced out as they erupted into raucous laughter.





And it wasn't even 7:05am yet. What joy.





Surrendering to defeat, I shoved the hat back on my head as the first bell rang. Immediately after the bell, the principle came on the PA system to remind everyone that there would be a school wide assembly in the Gymnasium.





School wide.





SCHOOL WIDE.





Sparkles and I merged in with the crowd and headed for the gym. I heard a sprinkling of giggles from behind me and felt pretty certain that I wanted to die. As I entered the gym I felt my first panic attack of the day wash over me as I saw over 1,000 bodies moving about. I sat in the first open place in the bleachers I could get to and twinkled away under the fluorescent lights.





Try to imagine what it's like going from 8 years of school where the largest class consists of 1 student, to walking into a packed gymnasium wearing sequins. Yeah, I have that pained look on my face, too.





If you're wondering, the day didn't get any better. In fact, I ate lunch crouched down in front of my locker and felt another bead of sweat run down my forehead each time a teacher asked me to stand up and introduce myself. Add one panic attack for each teacher that said "Nice hat."





I went home that afternoon, and made Sparkles "disappear".





Did you know homeschoolers are master magicians?